Changes

"If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got." --Anon.

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I'm taking stock. There are a number of different areas in my life I am unhappy with, things that just aren't going my way. I have some changes to make. This is me documenting my progress... in order to stick with it. Things I want to change include:

-Health, lose some weight in a safe way and improve diet;

-Schooling, finish it up;

-Writing, do more of it, stop letting it go;

-Work, it isn't my life;

-Interpersonal relationships, stop being such a bitch, stop expecting people to understand me when I don't even understand me, stop flaking out on people when it comes to commitments;

-Appearance, make more of an effort;

-Housework, a little all the time is easier than a big effort every once in a while;

-Languages, make the effort to improve my written French and learn more conversational Spanish; and

-Computer, stay off it so much.

Slacktastic

Had a visit from an old friend at work today. Well, an old co-worker who turned into a friend. Looks like we will be working together again in some capacity. I'm mostly excited but a little bit worried. He went to Law School and became a Public Defender since I last worked with him. Damn. If that doesn't make you feel like a slacker nothing will.

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Now playing: Rheostatics - Claire
via FoxyTunes

Inked

Got some new tattoos today. Yes, some. But combined they only make up a half decent half of a half of a tattoo.

I got stylized punctuation marks. On the inside of one wrist is an ellipsis and on the other is a semi-colon.

Both wrists were wrapped with gauze so I looked like a failed suicide attempt.

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Now playing: Boyz II Men - Motownphilly (Original Version)
via FoxyTunes

Second Hand Discrimination

This afternoon I was put in an unfortunately familiar situation. I do not look like my nationality and most people do not think I am gay. This often leads to me experiencing what I like to call Second Hand Discrimination, which like second hand smoke, results in an innocent bystander being harmed by somebody else's dirty habit.

I like to define Second Hand Discrimination as when a person insults, discriminates against or make jokes about a certain group to you (or to others in your presence,) not knowing you are a member of that group. This is different than when somebody does it knowingly because it lets you realize what views/prejudices this individual really holds against you and yours that they would normally be too polite/reserved/afraid/seemingly liberal to say in your presence.

This sort of thing puts you in a dilemma. Do you speak up and make yourself a new enemy? (This is especially tricky if this individual only made a comment because they felt comfortable around you to begin with.) Do you brush it off because you have a thick skin and it was a (relatively) harmless comment? Or do you try to 'educate' the individual on why the comment was wrong in as nonjudgmental a manner as you can? The matter is tricky.

Today I had a chance to speak out against something wrong and I did not. I'm ashamed of myself. I seen what I should have done but I was just too tired. I didn't want to have to go through a big song and dance and have everybody see me as somebody they have to censor themselves around, so I let it go--sometimes I just want life to be easier. I rationalized that because nobody was harmed it was alright, I could let it go this once. I knew it was the wrong decision as soon as I made it but by then the moment had passed and I've been kicking myself all day. Now it's quarter after three in the morning and I can't sleep.

Next time I will definitely say something.

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Now playing: Joan Baez - Diamonds And Rust
via FoxyTunes

Broken Gaydar

I can't sleep so (since?) I am rehashing the day's events. Well, one event in particular...

I met somebody really interesting today on a new Steering Committee I'm sitting on. Today was the group's introduction, we're going to be meeting once a fortnight for the next year. Which means it's a Spectacularly Bad Idea To Get Involved With Her.

So I spent the first half of the meeting ignoring her and taking copious notes. However, when it was my turn to speak I made her laugh a few times and she went out of her way to catch me after the meeting had broken up. We ended up talking for about fifteen minutes. She suggested we have lunch sometime, naturally I agreed.

Now here's the rub, did she ask me out because she's interested or because she's Interested? I know. If it does happen I will have to ask if it's a date. I just really hate doing that because it makes it awkward if it isn't. There should just be a frickin' codeword or something...

I have had this problem before. Usually I am wrong. I'm always projecting or missing the obvious. Funny thing is I only have broken gaydar when it comes to people I am interested in. Maybe I've just lost my understanding of what being friends with a girl is about? Maybe I have this problem because I don't have a lot of gay friends?

I go through friends rather quickly. I always seem to end up sleeping with friends and I can't do the staying friends with my exes thing that everybody else seems to have no problem with. My closest thing to a best friend is a straight guy (we're the Anti Will and Grace) and he is often no help at all in this area.

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Now playing: Ani DiFranco - You Had Time
via FoxyTunes

A Cold and Wet Morning

You ever wake up and know something is wrong and panic because you realize you have no idea what happened to you the night before?

That's so me today.

All I know is that I woke up this morning in only my underwear with my bedroom window open. Not like flung wide open but open more than enough to just let the air in. It rained so now I feel the dampness in my bones like I'm an octogenarian.

Ugh.

I didn't drink myself silly or take anything the night before. Sometimes I do retarded things in my sleep, I used to sleepwalk, I still talk in my sleep. I am sure this is a result of being unable to sleep for three days and being so dead exhausted when I went to bed last night.

I can only hope I opened the window before I took my t-shirt off because my blind was up. My neighbour still hasn't forgiven me for accidentally flashing her husband while he was mowing the lawn.

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Now playing: Cyrine Abdul Noor - Law Bass Fe Eyne
via FoxyTunes

Sick

I'm ill. Nothing serious, just potentially the swine flu. I think I would deserve it for making that joke. I've had a bad week. Well, a bad two weeks. I stayed home from work due to a food poisoning. Then I pulled the connective tissue in my chest in a freak accident involving a mongrel dog belonging to my brother. Then I broke one of my front teeth. Then I got sick from not eating before taking my medicine. Now I am sick. Clearly the Universe hates me. I'm sure these things wouldn't happen if I were a nice person...

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Now playing: The Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight
via FoxyTunes

Your Host(ess)

I was just going to start posting in medias res but sometimes it's a good idea to know who your narrator is...

I'm thirty. I don't believe in labels but I like girls way more than I liked guys. I perform quasi-managerial office type things for my local government. I'm the oldest of five. I'm bi-racial yet usually just say I'm mixed or half. I love poetry. I'm an insomniac. I am single, again, le sigh. I am a college dropout. I grind my teeth when I'm stressed. I like vodka. I love music, especially the sort others in my life dislike. I read a lot. I like gadgets and new fangled electronics. I love old movies. I am a smart ass. I have lots of opinions. I don't always know when to shut up.

So that's me in a nutshell. Don't worry, future posts will be more interesting.

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Now playing: The Nolans - I'm In the Mood for Dancing
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